Afraid to be a people pleaser?

The internet and social media are full of it. Short little videos that pull your attention toward which behaviors indicate that you are a people pleaser or not. Lately, I saw a funny little video that went: “Do you cross a crosswalk extra fast so that the cars don’t need to wait for you? Then… you… might be… a people pleaser 🎉”

I guess it’s not a secret anymore that social media is not the holy grail of truth or nuance (as it… also… never was…). But what hurts more is that I need to repair the damage when clients come to me for counseling or therapy and I hear that kind of stuff from social media (guys, where do you hear it?! Let me know in the comments ;) ). Let’s talk about people pleasing now, truthfully and nuanced.

I’ll first include a short description of what people pleasing is:

"A behavioral pattern of prioritizing others’ approval or comfort over one’s own needs to regulate threat or secure belonging. It’s marked by excessive agreement, compliance, and self-suppression, even when costs are clear."

And:

• Negative reinforcement: saying yes or smoothing conflict reduces immediate anxiety → behavior is repeated.

• Intermittent social reward: occasional praise or affection after pleasing makes it sticky.

• Cognitive biases: catastrophizing others’ disappointment; mind-reading; overestimating social costs; conditional self-worth (“I’m OK only if others are happy with me”).

• Affect systems: high rejection sensitivity and harm avoidance; relief when harmony is restored.

• Interpersonal loops: with domineering or volatile others, appeasement “works,” so both sides unknowingly train the pattern.

  
  

Also: research links chronic people-pleasing to anxious attachment and self-silencing, often shaped by environments where love or acceptance depended on compliance. Over time, it can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and loss of authenticity.

Alright. Now that this is out of the way: people pleasing does not automatically equal one behavior at one given moment, or wanting to be kind or generous, even when it’s slightly and consciously inconvenient for you, or doesn’t bring you any direct advantage. People pleasing actually includes a certain set of motives, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions (that we don’t always see on the outside). The behavior is just the tip of the iceberg, the visible consequence.

People pleasing doesn’t necessarily or only have to do with “pleasing people,” and I think that’s why many misinterpret, overuse, or generalize this word for any situation in which it looks like you don’t want to inconvenience a person, or try to please them. Nowadays, wanting to be considerate often gets labeled as being weak or a pushover. That is why many become just afraid of being a people pleaser and over-analyse every of their action. Which does not necessarily set a positive focus on you or your personality and just introduces unhelpful fear into your life.

But there are lines and differences between being completely disagreeable, being healthily kind and considerate, and being a people pleaser: healthy kindness arises from values and choice; people pleasing arises from fear and compulsion. The difference is whether you act for connection (to yourself and others), or to avoid disconnection.

Maybe it’s because we live in a world that prioritizes independence over healthy interdependence, that we now try to eliminate or pathologize any kind of behavior that might be advantageous to someone else, or slightly inconvenient to us, even when it carries no real disadvantage or danger to us. Which is a sad thing, because our society depends on sometimes deciding consciously to help someone, even if it’s mildly inconvenient for us (and not at a big cost).

If a behavior is driven by your values and doesn’t compromise (!) you, but instead supports your growth and connection to yourself, then that is a healthy, expansive choice, even if it means that you cross a crosswalk fast now ;)

Some people get into a loop where they don’t want to appear weak, like a pushover or a people pleaser, and so they start compromising their own values by becoming unkind, ungenerous, rude, or uncomfortable just to prove they aren’t pleasing anyone and are therefore “strong.” But in this case, it’s paradoxically still people pleasing, because you’re still seeking approval just through different behavior, while compromising your values in another way. So, guys, don’t do that.

Also, that goes without saying: do not put yourself in danger our loads of inconveniences and exhaustion because you are afraid to lose connection, cause you will earlier or later with yourself anyways if you go against yourself like this.

The point is: get to know yourselves, be honest with yourself, understand your motivations and values, and do not compromise who you want to be just to get approval (our "invisible approval") from others. When we act in accordance with our values and quiet the noise of unhelpful, self-exploiting, or compensatory behaviors we become able to be confidently and consciously more generous, kind, and helpful, to ourselves and others.

Because that is who we want to be and chose to be.