The most important skill you can develop...

…is… self-validation. What is it?

“Self-validation is the ability to recognize, acknowledge, and accept your own internal experience—your thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, and needs—as understandable and legitimate, without having to obtain approval or permission from others first.”(thanks ChatGPT)

Back to business… why the heck is this so important (except the obvious)?

I’ve lost count of the clients who struggle because they never built a solid inner self...one that trusts its own opinion, backs itself up, and treats that opinion as at least as important as anyone else’s.. I think, in fact, that’s about 80 % of my clients. The boundaries around what they think, feel, do, their values …are like a wanky noodle, adjusting to whoever is around them. And the worst about it: that happens often unconscious, like an automatic process in which you do not notice that you are not the bus driver...but the involuntary passenger princess (more like prisoner then).

And, in fact, that is a very valuable mechanism: to be adaptable, depending on whoever is sitting next to you, as it makes you agreeable, easy-going, comfortable, social, and considerate in other people’s eyes. Which are great qualities; we need more of that. But depending too much on others and adjusting your self-perception, opinions, thoughts, emotions, who you are, etc.- to the opinions of others, and to every person who comes across, while failing to see yourself as the one with the final vote… can lead to things turning dramatically bad and inevitably dragging your well-being into emotional whiplash.

It can lead to burnout, loss of joy, perhaps depression, feeling unmotivated, guilty, shameful, insecure, and feeling anxious, not very strong, and not grounded, moody and dependent. Basically loads of negative emotions that people feel around you, about themselves and you. To separate genuine, helpful negatives (feedback you can integrate) from pure projection, self-validation acts as a filter, especially if you’re honest, realistic, and kind, with solid values. That way, you change yourself by choice, not by the automatic reflex of agreeing.

And that’s very understandable, because if you always feel like you need approval for anything you are and do, there are many approvals to seek, and you won’t meet every standard of every person around you, so walking through life will eventually be tough. Obviously, people with a good skill in self-validation will experience these emotions as well, but the intensity and the meaning of them, as well as the perceived control over them, will be more like a guide -it will be motivating- because self-validation leads to more control in your perception of yourself and your scope of power. 

Example time. I’ll give one from my life. I used to volunteer for a counselling job (for free, of course) because I like it and I wanted to give back. I told a more experienced psychologist that I was doing some hours for free, and she was shocked… “You shouldn’t do it… you should get paid for this… etc.” I felt guilty for around 10 seconds, thinking, yes, I am not doing justice for myself; I should get paid. Then I paused, reflected on my situation, and asked myself, “Do I feel guilty because my values are hurt? Should I prioritize myself?” I honestly took some time to think about my life, my character, my current life situation, job, joy, motivation, and said to myself, “No, I am doing the right thing. My values are actually met. I might feel bad or a bit ashamed that a more experienced psychologist made this comment and I felt like I am doing something wrong, or I am not adjusting myself enough, but there is no reason for guilt, as my values differ from hers at the current time.” I allowed myself to feel discomfort but not the one she was implying. I felt in control, and I decided that I won’t tell it next time so freely or will ignore these comments in future. Her emotion was not mine.

Wanting to feel validated is part of being human and feeling accepted, loved, and connected. That’s alright. But don’t overextend yourself for this. Take any opportunity you have to ask yourself first what you think or feel about this or that before asking someone else for their opinion. Get back your power. People are different, and opinions are different. Wanting to feel connected through agreeing to a person’s opinion automatically will help in the short term, but long term, you will get out of touch with yourself.

• Lack of self-validation → over-reliance on others

• Over-reliance → emotional turbulence / burnout / messed up or inadequte measurements to fit others

• Self-validation filters out noise, restores agency.

To my dear workaholics, burnout buddies, and perfectionists. There probably won’t ever be a person telling you you did enough. In today’s world that may not happen. Learn to ask yourself if you think you did enough, be realistic and kind. Enough is 70 %, not 100 %. Learn to ask your inner self if you are doing alright. Don’t make someone’s measurement your measurement, or someone's perception of you your perception of yourself. You are not a sponge. And if you think someone makes sense, and their perception of you is accurate and you should change things about you, then ask yourself why you agree and based on what you think so (look for signs) and what values you have and change it. Make it a habit of pausing and looking at yourself from above. 

And don’t let anyone tell you what you are or how you are. You always have the last say on that.

Cheers, everyone!