Anger issues?

Part of my work is working with veterans, active military duty people with rough experiences, PTSD, combat and other range of traumas. One thing that unites many of them is the struggle with “anger issues”. And not just them, others as well (this group is just very prevalent for this), but feel free to relate to it, or not, if anger is a big thing in your life. 

What is anger? (short)

When does anger become an issue at all? In fact, it is an emotion like any other. An emotion with a certain need behind it, correct? Often, connected to topics of autonomy, individuation, boundaries, safety, status, self-worth, loss, shame and…sadness. Things to protect us, our desires, needs, values, resources (social, emotional, physical..), therefore…our inherent sense of self, our environment (friends and family) and motivate us for a certain helpful action to protect our space, things and people that matter to us through giving us anger. Emotions are there to motivate a certain action and meet a certain need, it is like the fuel in the car. If we look from this perspective, anger is quite helpful, as you see.

So…when does it become an issue? 

When we have the feeling that we cannot assert ourselves correctly, when we cannot motivate a correct or helpful action to actually solve our problem as we expect it. And here, exactly here it goes south for many people. What follows if you cannot solve a problem, a problem that is in fact important to us? Probably either more anger or helplessness, and thus probably more of what you are already having already. It is like going on a gas pedal but you do not know how to use the steering wheel properly, cause you are missing direction, skills and correct values (and therefore boundaries), so you drive into a tree or wall or other cars quite soon. You do not know where to direct it on, so destruction becomes for sure one of the bigger problems, either directly to yourself or others, and ta-da here our “anger issues” are born. 

The loop (example)

Neg. experiences or trauma or boundaries being overstepped -> Negative beliefs about intention of others collide with own negative beliefs about own abilities to assert oneself -> negative communication pattern with others -> failure in asserting oneself -> confirming your own negative beliefs about others having bad intention (not wanting to help or listen to you) -> you feeling helpless confirming your own beliefs that you have had in first place -> strengthening of neg beliefs about others and your own abilities -> more probability of you not trying next time -> more helplessness and unmet needs & lack of control over yourself and environment -> avoidance, anger, sadness, isolation, helplessness, bad relationship with others and yourself. 

The consequences 

Most people then press harder on the gas pedal, because this becomes the default mechanism, especially if this is the only thing we have learned. More force equals more success, but in real, it becomes aggression ...but hello you are still driving into everyone on the road, making your lack of control everyone else's problem. With no control over your actions. You just think you have control cause you see things are happening, sometimes you can solve it even short term… but destruction is also happening, long term and quite. But there is no precision and there is no nuance in your action or direction. And that, that is a problem. Because you do not know how to channel anger correctly.

So what to do now? 

Learn how to use the damn steering wheel, early on before you step on the gas pedal. Without it, you will not come far for long without a big mess. What do I mean by this?

1. Ask yourself: By what need is this what you want motivated? “Because I want to” is not a need. Be specific and honest. Safety? Autonomy? Trust? This is the fuel of the car.

2. Ask yourself: What value do you use to meet this need? Why? This defines most outcomes. The value is the direction you give to the car you are driving. If your need is safety and your value (how you get it), is shit (like through manipulation or stealing, that is going to lead you absolutely nowhere good. But if it is for example safety through through connection with others, and you are ready to prioritize it, that is it, one of your values.

3. From knowing your needs and values, you go one step further: getting clear on which boundary was hurt exactly and how to communicate & establish a better one, that keeps your needs & values met.

4. Notice in your body how it feels when you want and need something, and when not. Get very, very concise with yourself and your physical sensations in your body.

   1. What are your first signs of feeling angry? Catch it as early as you can. 

5. Notice the thoughts you are thinking or beliefs you are having in the situation you feel angry about. What do you default back to? Beliefs about yourself? Others?

6. Notice your inner reaction (secondary response/ reaction) to what you think or feel. 

   1. Here it goes south for many (when you slap on shame and guilt on top of your anger, it is like pressing the breaks and gas pedal at once = does not go well)

7. Accept that being angry is okay, everyone is angry sometimes. The expression of anger matters most as it impacts the reaction/behaviour of others towards us and therefore defines the relationship we are having with others and ourselves. 

8. Think about how you can assert yourself and your boundaries long before you start burning with anger and rage. Be clear which values from your boundaries are stemming from and what they are Be slow, controlled and intentional with this. Do it earlier than later. 

9. Always, always regard your environment and context.

   1. My dear military people are often stuck in a very rigid and controlled environment built by very rigid and rough structures and hierarchy. Assertiveness and expression of individuality and needs becomes a rare good which probably is even counterproductive as it risks more shame and possible rejection (that is why they face the most anger issues). In this case: count your possibilities of getting what you want, even a bit only. It does not need to be the best scenario, just a small way of being able to act. 

   2. For the rest: always consider your environment. Not every environment will react positively to your assertiveness and needs. But some will, if you express it kindly and correctly. Learn this; (I recommend NVC from M Rosenberg). 

10. Do not take failure personal. Do not turn to the belief of “I do not have control” or “I am never getting my way” because this right here is a fertile ground for a lot of anger, as you will be always on the outlook to confirm this belief. 

11. If your environment makes you feel chronically helpless and angry for a long time, even though you asserted and expressed yourself multiple times kindly & correctly, please leave or distance yourself if you can. Maybe there is a mismatch between your environment's needs and your needs, that happens. But your self-worth does not need to get a beating every time, that is how you keep in fact a healthy self-esteem, by knowing your and your environment's limits. Establish some boundaries and draw consequences. Do not try to show that you can assert yourself, if the system that you are in punished you for this already often enough. Either accept it or leave fully. Some environments are really not meant for you to assert yourself, and never will. They are not built for the individual to have their own needs met. Be honest to yourself, and take accountability for your situation :-) 

Bye guys, I hope that helps.