Is this just my feelings or is it the reality?

“Is this just me and MY feelings or is it the OBJECTIVE reality of things?”

Is probably one of the most asked and at the same time harmful questions one can ask, especially in the context of a relationship. But it makes sense why people would ask this question to themselves and me. 

There are different strategies and options people generally choose when dealing with helplessness of having needs constantly dismissed in relationships and one of them is this method “trying to find the truth of things”, to align oneself to the reality of the relationship (seemingly).

Which is actually not what it seems. It is, in fact, dismissing and invalidating yourself and internalizing the perceived behaviour of your partner towards yourself (or your interpretation of their reaction towards yourself) to validate the connection between the two of you. 

It does seem helpful for a short while, to push down our own emotions and needs for the greater good (our shared reality, “all is ok”) to uphold the connection in the relationship to our partner. To shame ourselves and tell ourselves that I am not ok, but the relationship is ok. And that is what matters.

This method has never worked well for a long time though, I can tell you privately and personally. I explain to you why, and what I tell my clients.: 

A relationship is not something we are solving, like we do at work or a puzzle. A relationship is like a living being, and it lives from emotions and needs from both partners and their dance together. From connection between both partners and to themselves. And connection is when we feel ourselves and when we let ourselves be ourselves and your partner be themselves and then we come together in a shared space and with what we have already with ourselves, and start sharing it with our partner as well. We need to be ourselves, otherwise it is difficult to dance when one tries to dance the tango and another one tries to dance bachata, that does not work, or one fakes to know tango when they in fact have no idea and do not like it. 

A relationship is also not about right or wrong, or black and white. This would not be an honest and real connection then, but a fake connection that depends on both people agreeing to one and the same reality, which is just not true, and will never be true or existent. As there isn't, and never will be an objective reality and therefore the one truth. Once again, it is a dance that you both create, but for this you both need to be yourself and in your element. 

Sometimes though, we really want to be ourselves and we have been maybe, before the relationship. We feel maybe dismissed by our partner and feel like we are not good enough, or we are afraid of rejection and to feel shame because we do not feel like the other one feels about something or dismisses the impact. Which creates disconnection and a lot of fear. In these scenarios it then might seem like a “it is either the connection to myself and my own truth of emotions or suppression of those to stay in the relationship”. Nothing in between, because other options would be way too painful. When there is too much at stake, we rather eliminate parts of ourselves, because it is more controlable, easier, we can take “responsibility” for ourselves (to suppress ourselves), but responsibility sounds stronger and better, and not like we are at mercy of our fear of the actual truth. 

What to do? 

Learn to touch your own fear and helplessness, without jumping to a decision right away. You are maybe afraid of what it would mean if you see the truth of yourself, your emotions. Maybe you are unable to express yourself and your needs towards yourself and others because you are ashamed that something is not good enough about you. Maybe you are afraid to express yourself to your partner because you project your own reaction towards yourself outwardly towards your environment and confirm the shame. Maybe you are afraid to be confronted with your helplessness. Maybe. 

But maybe it would give you a good opportunity to discover yourself. To get over your fear of showing yourself. To align yourself with the dance you are dancing, or change it fully? 

And maybe you will see that connection is also possible when we do not have aligned opinions about something or we do not understand why that or this feeling is there but if we are just being seen in how we already are, and having our emotional reality simply acknowledged.