Is Your Past the Problem?

We all somehow know that our past is connected to our present—how our culture, family, upbringing, and the people, opinions, and rules around us shape our view of ourselves, others, and the world. Our thoughts, emotions, opinions, and behaviors are the sum of all of this, whether we like it or not.

At the same time, I think this perspective, while true, should be taken with a grain of salt. I often find myself and my clients circling around the past, around helplessness, endlessly roasting in suffering and pain inflicted by others long ago. Of course, it’s important to connect the dots, to give space, to feel safe, seen, and validated. Your pain is valid.

But I’ve also noticed that when clients are excessively stuck in the past, the problem is not just the past... it’s also the present. Something in the now isn’t working as we want it to. You might say, “Well, obviously, the past is affecting the present, so let’s talk about the past and the present will get better.” But it’s not that simple. It depends on what the actual need and intention - conscious and subconscious - is behind it.

Not Everything Moves in a Straight Line

Think about a time when you felt amazing - maybe you were surrounded by great people, felt fulfilled, or just generally safe and happy. How did you see your past then? How did you view yourself, others, and the world? Maybe you didn’t even think about it because you were too busy living in the moment. But if you did, how was it?

Now, think about a day that was really humbling. Maybe you felt lonely, bored, anxious, or stuck. How did you feel about yourself, your past, and the people around you then?

For most of us, there’s a difference, whether we want it or not. When we feel good, we’re less likely to ruminate unhelpfully about the past. How we remember things depends on how we feel in the moment, what’s happening around us, and whether we feel powerful or helpless. It’s not a simple equation of “bad past = bad present.” This means we can actually do things in the present to ease our pain from the past... without trying to erase it.

The why's and why not

The past has already happened. Talking about it endlessly, without direction or the right intention and leadership can create more helplessness because it keeps reinforcing what can’t be changed. A better approach is to ask yourself:

• What emotion in my daily life brings me back to the past and old emotions?

• What situations, people, or places trigger this?

• What needs of mine aren’t being met right now?

• How can I feel better in this moment, without running back to old wounds?

• What do I actually need here and now?

  
  

Even though the past and present aren’t linked in a straight line, one thing that does carry over in one or another way is how powerful we feel in handling life’s struggles. How well we manage to keep ourselves happy, how we meet our emotional needs, and how we treat ourselves, that’s learned in the past. If our caregivers didn’t meet our needs, we never learned how to do it for ourselves. And if they were bad role models on top of that, we probably figured out pretty early that adulthood is a mess, which didn’t make us super hopeful about growing up either.

That lack of fulfillment, trust in ourselves, and helplessness can last a long time and start to feel like the status quo - the way things are in life, the way we must feel about ourselves because it’s the norm we have learned. But if you’re here, reading this, you’ve had powerful moments before. You know your strength. And yet, helplessness might still feel like a comfort zone - something familiar. Talking about the past can become part of that comfort zone. Or, it can be the only way we feel powerful in the face of old wounds. Maybe it’s an attempt to finally get the validation and understanding we never had.

A More Helpful Way to Approach It

As a psychologist, I focus on what your past experience is doing to you now. What needs are still unmet? I once had a client who spent many sessions talking about his past. I let him-because what he needed most in the present was to be heard and supported. Once he felt validated, the helplessness he carried (likely from not having been seen or heard before) shifted into something more powerful. We moved towards the present...and finally...the real trigger for why his past was coming up in the first place.

A recent situation triggered an old childhood wound … the one we had spent many sessions talking about, but the real problem to solve was in the present. And when we worked through it in the now and found a new, more helpful way of dealing with it, we realized something: this new wound felt like a wound because it was also an old one. But by handling it differently this time, we created a new connection - a new way of responding to this trigger ... not just in the present, but in the past as well, through the present. A connection between situation, emotion, and behavior ... but now different. We switched from one feeling to its complete opposite.

This was a productive way to work with the past. We talked about it, always in relation to the present. And once the client found some relief, once his needs were being met in the here and now for the past and present self, the urge to spiral mindlessly into past stories magicially disappeared.

So?

One way to move forward and to be less triggered is to give yourself now what you feel was missing then. Because the doors to healing and creating new pathways and emotions are in fact open in the present, and will also reach your past like through a tunnel in one or another way.