Rest Like a Workaholic

If you had bacon, eggs, and tomatoes at home, would you look up cheesecake recipes hoping it would turn out well... Or would you use what you have and make eggs with bacon and tomatoes instead? Well... in therapy many would point to option 1. I always tell my clients, and myself, to use what we already have. At the end of the day, we are all adults (I work only with adults), and we have strengths, resources, weaknesses, and sides of ourselves we just don’t like.

Sometimes, we give ourselves impossible tasks or create unnecessary expectations. If we don’t like something about ourselves, we think it must change from a 10 to a 0. We pressure ourselves to be the opposite of the trait we dislike or imagine how perfect life would be if we were completely different.

It can be motivating to keep our best selves in mind and keep our eyes on the road until we reach our goal. But in this blog, I want to talk about traits that can be strengths in one area of life but also create obstacles in another. This duality and its conflicting expression can lead to an inner civil war, where we like and accept this one trait in ourselves under certain conditions, but hate it in others. Let me explain.

The Responsible Workaholic

We all know- or are- this responsible, ethical person who loves to work and do "useful things". Lately, I had a client just like this. He had a hard time doing good things for himself to feel good. He would just stop and not know why. Obviously, he excelled at work and everything he had to do according to his values and ethics.

This is a case that can go in many different directions. Of course, I could make a presentation about how important rest is. I could give him a monologue, tell him to express himself, and explain that his ego is too squeezed by his superego (hello, Freud). It could go in many different directions. It still can. It certainly will. But some of this seems fake and not shaped toward a person who has lived over 40 years on this planet. Telling him to change a trait that has made him so successful and fulfilled at some point in his life would simply be disrespectful.

So even though he was knee-deep in burnout, needed and wanted rest, and wanted to work on exercises, I told him he must rest like a workaholic. What I mean by that is that rather than seeking fulfillment in rest itself (which honestly can be hard if you have done life differently), you need to find a way to incorporate your super-responsible side into this whole dilemma. You need to make it the boss it tries to be. You can promote it to more tasks. Most people try to de-crown the boss and diminish it, then grow and import an alien part into themselves that is the complete opposite of this disliked part (like the super chilled part if you are a workaholic) and hope it would not turn into a huge conflict inside them. We have seen what this perspective has done geo-politically, do you think that would be better psychologically?

If that part has been very prominent in your life and had a big function, suppressing it can create more problems and shame for not being able to do things differently. And that creates a bigger cycle of suffering.

What to Do & how

• Find out why exactly you, for example, don’t like to rest. Does it feel unproductive? Useless? Do you like doing good things for yourself, and does that include working like crazy? But on the other hand, do you feel bad for not resting enough, spending time with family, friends, and so on?

• Then go open Google, Google Scholar, ChatGPT, or a book and find out why resting is important. Ask a friend or a stranger, collect information from sources YOU respect and trust. Ask why spending time with family is important. Or why feeling less stress is important. Or simply feel yourself clearly when you are relaxed and internalize the importance for your own health. What changes? Be creative in how you do it.

• Try to find ways to create value out of rest for yourself (i.e.)- or even better, connect it to an existing value. (If you work a lot because it feels good and you think it’s good because you take care of yourself, then the value of taking care of yourself is already there.) Since the value is already there, you can use it.

  
  

If you are super productive and rest feels unproductive because you don’t get things done, collect information on why rest is important, then write rest on your task list like any other task you would handle at work. You are creating value and using the same skill and part of you that you would usually do for things you would deem as productive. You might now not do it out of pleasure but you and your brain eventually will connect this positive feeling of getting it done with rest at some point and youll be able to get out of the habit of over--working easier. After you , you can cross it off your productive list. Rest because you can cross it off your list, not because you suddenly need to love it.

If you have a strong responsible side and this part likes to be responsible at work, tell it to treat you with the same responsibility as work. Really, get the same pleasure out of it as you do at work. You like commanding other people and taking charge? Great! Promote the part that sometimes turns your strength into pain. Now the responsible part takes care of the part that is maybe not that responsible and can command this part of you as well. Use the responsible part to tell you to rest or go to bed on time. Get the same pleasure out of it like at work, you have now a new employee.

Making Your Strengths Work for You

The most important thing: combine the positive feeling of using your "overwhelming" or "big, strong" part to get things done by doing it in a way that is familiar to you. This will create less conflict because this important part of you feels seen.

I myself have a big problem with spending money. I grew up on welfare, and every cent was counted. I connected spending money with loss, and now, as an adult, even though times have changed and I have money to spend, I still struggle. Every time I go to a store or restaurant, a part of me (I call it the accountant) calculates the quality, what I am getting, and the cost. If my accountant calculates that it’s too expensive compared to what I am getting, it gives an alarm, makes me sweat, angry, anxious, and tells me not to spend money. As you can imagine, that is sometimes useful. But if you really need something and try to save every cent while getting the best deal, it just drains you.

Time and mental energy are spent, and I saw them flying away while the accountant had all the power over me. And a conflict arose in me, making me annoyed. NOW the accountant was counting the money, the quality, and the time and mental energy that were sometimes thrown out of the window, giving me stress. Now all these things were calculated, and disappointment was practically guaranteed with these expectations. Also, you can imagine it did not make me the most generous person in the world (not to myself or others). So more annoyance.

I started to reframe my accountant. I promoted him. I let him look at the time saved when I got an Uber instead of walking. I let him notice how happy people were over my invitations (which makes you have better friends, and the accountant was happier). The accountant was just following its belief, strategie and value, that did not need to change in order for me to have a better life. My accountant now calculates how useful it is to spend money because spending money creates flow and leads to more money. The accountant still has his position and calculates, but he also has different tasks now. He is less limiting. He makes me feel good while I still follow my value of efficiency.

The Takeaway

You don’t need to change yourself. Use what you have. You are an adult with strengths and weaknesses already. Use them. Think outside the box. Find out what this overworked, disliked part that is conflicting with other needs really wants. What values does it follow? What ethics? What wants? What strategies and behaviours? What are its beliefs and emotions? This part most likely wants good for you- treat it as such. Use its strengths. Use it for yourself.

(Disclaimer: This applies to non-destructive parts, just annoying ones!)