Two reasons why you feel sh*t

I once attended a conference where the speaker (whose name I no longer remember) said something that stuck with me:

“Most of the time, you feel bad for one of two reasons:

1. You’re blaming someone else, or

2. You’re blaming yourself.”

   
   

   

   
   

Even though it was already a while ago, it stayed with me. Later, when I began working with clients myself, I saw this pattern repeat itself. I wouldn’t say that absolutely every reason for feeling bad in the world comes from this, but surprisingly …actually very surprisingly…many do.

And on top of that, I would even add that most of it can be condensed into number 2: blaming yourself. Even when it looks like we’re blaming the other person for being so bad, underneath we often blame ourselves for not pushing back, for accepting it, for not seeing it earlier. There are faults we want to minimise in ourselves or not look at, and we do it by focusing externally. (Some of us do the opposite, by the way- blaming ourselves when we should be accepting the lack of control, when others really were to blame, but we can’t accept it.)

In the end, though, both paths seem to lead to the same result: we blame ourselves, either rightly or not.

But why?

Why is it that behind most of our bad feelings, there’s either someone we’re blaming, or we’re blaming ourselves?

This question danced in the back of my mind for a while during my work with clients. And what I’ve come to believe (at least for now) is the following: blame is our mind’s way of making sense of pain, and of gaining a false sense of control over uncomfortable emotions or external events.

When we feel bad - for example, sad, anxious, guilty, angry -our mind doesn’t like just feeling it. It wants to understand and evaluate it, to sort it in, to avoid it now and next time. We’re looking, in fact, for a sign, an occurrence on which we can predict the outcome in the future. An instinct to protect ourselves, perhaps. To foresee and avoid negative, threatening feelings.

And sometimes, the common denominator that bad feelings have in common is: us. And we see ourselves (or rather: blaming ourselves) as the only way of stopping the negative feeling. The only way to feel more powerful. The only way to stop it from happening again. We are always looking to hold on to something. We like predictability and logic, even if it means believing something bad about ourselves. And when the answer isn’t clear, the mind starts scanning. Looking for something, or someone, in fact anything, to assign responsibility to. Because pain without explanation is scary. It’s raw, open-ended, vulnerable. So the mind grabs the first thing that makes sense.

“If I had been smarter, stronger, more careful…”

“If they hadn’t said that, hadn’t left, hadn’t failed me…”

And just like that, blame becomes the structure we build around our discomfort. It gives pain a direction. It gives the emotion a reason to exist. It doesn’t necessarily solve anything, but it feels better than sitting with the unknown.

But why is it that so often the blame ends up turning inward?

There are several possible reasons, but one of the most striking is this: blaming ourselves can feel better than feeling helpless. The situation is over, and we are knee-deep in regret, overthinking how and why we did what we did. If I messed something up, then maybe I can fix it next time. If it was my fault, then I can prevent it from happening again. There’s pain in that thought, but also power, instead of helplessness.

That might sound strange. Why would choosing guilt or shame ever feel better? Because if we’re to blame, then we’re still in control. There’s still a kind of order.

The alternative is much harder to sit with: that sometimes things go wrong and no one is to blame, or that we were powerless, unprepared, or simply human in a chaotic world. And that kind of vulnerability is much more difficult to tolerate than guilt.

So we self-blame, not because it’s accurate, but because it gives us the illusion that the world still makes sense somehow , that we’re still steering the ship. It’s a coping mechanism disguised as self-awareness to run away from helplessness.

So maybe blame and self-blame are not the real reasons we feel bad. Maybe they’re just the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of what hurts. Maybe the deeper work lies in learning to accept what’s out of our control, or learning to be with pain ...even when there’s no clear, explainable or understandable reason for it.

! Disclaimer:

If you really have been an asshole and messed up, take it as a signal to do better next time -self-blame can be useful when it’s pointing you toward growth. But if you’re stuck in rumination, looping over and over, then this blog is for you.