Why you just can't feel grateful for what you have

How often have you heard the sentence, “You are so ungrateful,” or “Why can’t you just appreciate me more??”(We all know that’s a conversation that leads nowhere and, 90% of the time, straight into conflict.)

But here’s an honest question: Why can’t we just be grateful for what we have? Are we really such spoiled brats who don’t even realize what we’ve got? Possible. Very possible. But that’s not what this blog is about.

This is about something else.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like everything should be good (and you should feel grateful for what you have) because it is objectively (compared to the common standard) is "enough", or at least should be? For example let's say ...your partner, is just great, does even over-average things. They would do everything for you, they listen, they maybe even bring flowers. And yet, somehow, you don’t feel their love ? And then you start judging yourself, disappearing into a cloud of self-blame and guilt. Why am I not happy? Why can't I just be grateful for what I already have and not be thinking about what is not there? Is it me, my partner, the relationship? Or am I missing something else?

Or maybe you go home to your parents, ask for something, and they immediately question it, criticizing your supposed “ungratefulness.”

First of all: You are not alone.

Second: Please stop doubting yourself, your feelings, and your needs.

Third: “Ungratefulness” is not an emotion.

Okay, now we can continue.

We can only feel loved when we receive what we actually need; not what our parents or partners want to give us or need to give us (perhaps even to feel better about themselves). Feeling loved means feeling seen and understood in our emotions and needs.

If we ask for water and receive a diamond ring, that’s great. We’ll probably take it with gratitude. But we’ll still be thirsty.

It’s not about what we receive, it’s about what’s missing. It is how much we feel seen with our needs and feeling accepted as result. And that is not personal. I think that’s something people often get wrong.

Sometimes, people project their own feelings of inadequacy, shame, or inability onto us because they can’t give what we’re asking for, or they would never allow themselves to receive the same. Instead of admitting this, they block these feelings and blame us instead. Which, unsurprisingly, doesn’t bring us closer but only creates more distance, less connection, and less trust.

I also think it’s natural to want to give what we wish to receive. We assume others see the world as we do. But there is no shame in asking your partner what they truly need and how you can give it to them in a way they can actually receive it.

Now, if you are the one on the receiving end, your job is to learn how to receive.

First, figure out what you actually need. Really look inside yourself. What exactly is missing? What need is not being met? Try to look past the blame, past the self-doubt.

Here’s something important: You can be grateful and still wish for something else or more. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

What does receiving love actually look like for you? What exactly needs to happen for you to feel it? What do you need from the other person?

If you’ve spent a long time being dismissed, or dismissing yourself, it might feel almost weird to finally receive what you’ve been asking for. Discomfort, even embarrassment, can block you from accepting love. And if that happens, it doesn’t matter how much the other person does- you are the one shutting yourself off.

And then, ironically, you might even start blaming them for not giving you enough, when in reality, you are unable to accept the gift.

So, in any case: Be honest with yourself. The earlier you start, the better. No one can hear the thoughts in your head. Know what you need. If you feel discomfort or embarrassment, look at it. Be curious about it. Because shame disappears in the light of curiosity.

Good luck!