Could Your Self-Regulation Be Making You Unhappier?

Today, I had a conversation with a friend about self-regulation. She was criticizing herself for not being able to do it well enough and was telling me about some of the regulation—or coping—strategies she uses to make herself feel better. There are many emotional and somatic regulation techniques out there that are quite effective in reducing the intensity of certain emotions for a certain amount of time. There is nothing wrong (and sometimes it is even necessary!) with having some of these in your emergency mental toolkit for when times get rough—like a little stockpile in case of an emotional emergency.

The thing about it, though, is that you can’t live solely off coping strategies. It’s good to have a backup in case the supermarket is closed and you’re out of toilet paper, but relying on it long-term is not sustainable. Coping strategies can help in a crisis, but they are not a foundation for emotional well-being. Living from one coping strategy to the next suggests that your lifestyle may not be aligned with your current needs and state, and that you might be over-relying on temporary fixes.

The Nature of Emotions

Focusing too much on mastering self-regulation through coping techniques can lead to a problematic view of emotions—seeing them as isolated occurrences rather than a continuous presence in your life. Emotions are present at all times, connected to your being, and typically in a state of flow, shifting in quality, quantity, and intensity. When you feel the need to “regulate yourself,” it is likely because you perceive certain emotions as intense and difficult to integrate. If these emotions are not fully felt and processed though, they will return—especially if you continuously suppress them without understanding their underlying messages.

In truth, these intense emotions exist to inform you. What do you need right now? Where is this intensity coming from? Where are you not being honest to yourself? What part is stopping you from fullfilling yourself the need behind the emotion?

The Roots of Self-Regulation

To understand self-regulation better, it's helpful to look at how it develops in childhood: When a child is small and depends on their parents for regulation, it means that the parents help bring them from a state of dysregulation to a state of balance by meeting their physical and emotional needs. Through this process, the child learns that emotions exist to inform them about internal imbalances and how to return to comfort.

If parents are attentive and responsive, they co-regulate (the process of regulating emotions through interaction with others) with their child—acknowledging their emotions and reacting appropriately (fullfilling the unmet need ). This way, the child has the chance to grow up more emotionally resilient, able to face struggles without being overwhelmed by out-of-control emotions. This is because they have an internalized sense of emotional stability, rooted in their early experiences of being supported, seen and loved. They give the child the message that it is worth to be taken care of and gains a certain sense of self-worth. When they encounter significant struggles later in life, they naturally adopt their parents’ regulation strategies to calm themselves down. A child with emotionally stable and aware parents will, in most cases, grow into a well-regulated adult.

Now, let’s return to the present. Today, people are often told that self-regulation means isolating themselves and relying on themselves—staying home to meditate, do yoga, or journal their emotions away. While these activities have their place, this approach can contradict the natural flow of emotions and our subconscious need to 1) express ourselves with and to other people and 2) co-regulate with people, family, friends or our partner.

What self-regulation is actually about

Self-regulation should actually be about understanding what actions to take in the moment to restore balance. It’s not just a game of picking random activities to “lessen an emotion.” If you don’t respond appropriately to what your emotions are signaling, they will resurface—because they are not here just for fun; they are here to maintain balance. When something is out of balance, your emotions will let you know, and an appropriate reaction in form of a certain behaviour, thought or adjustment takes place.

In your day to day life you are already regulating yourself in one way or another. You balance the needs of your body, mind, and soul. You feel thirsty, so you drink. You feel hungry, so you eat. You feel lonely, so you call a friend. You feel sad, so you cry. The real question now is: why is it so hard for you to see the need behind other, more intense emotions that you feel compelled to diminish? What part of you is avoiding? Why is it so difficult for you to take the action that would actually help you on a deeper and more sustainable level?

Many people, for example, avoid reaching out for help or connection and instead want to rely solely on themselves. While self-reliance can work if you are honest with yourself about what you truly need, it can also serve as a distraction from what you really require but feel too helpless to obtain—maybe just real connection, kindness, consideration, warmth, interest, curiousity, care.

In fact, this mindset can worsen the problem. When an emotion is begging to be felt, self-regulating it away can be counterproductive. True self-regulation involves allowing the emotion to move through you, enduring its intensity without reacting impulsively in ways that could harm your long-term goals. It is about expanding your window of tolerance. And, importantly, it involves listening to yourself and allowing others to help you regulate—because self-regulation does not mean hyper-independence. Sometimes, real self-regulation is about seeking support with those around you!